Baby's journey

I am currently 38 weeks pregnant- full term. I have recently found out that she is breeched and if she does not turn herself around in one week, I may have to do a cesarean section. I have planned for the past 8 months that I wanted to do a natural birth; at least as naturally as possible. Here is how I feel about the matter...

Doing a C-section takes away all of my choices and freedoms when it comes to having a baby. The birth a child is not a "medical condition"; it is a natural and common process in the world. It doesn't need to happen in a hospital, though to avoid complication, I am okay with delivering at one. The problem I feel is that if I am forced to do a C-section because the doctors are not trained well enough or afraid to deliver a breeched baby. I am then striped away of my freedom of a natural birth to being put on the surgical table. C-sections have their place and time, especially in the case of an emergency. My own mother and youngest sister were saved because of this miraculous medical technology. But in my case, I feel that I am being made to do something that was originally precious and personal to something that is strictly medical and depriving. I am afraid that I will be deprived the initial bonding moments with my daughter as she is delivered from the womb. I am also afraid that she may be traumatized by not passing through the transition of the birth canal. I do not want to feel like an object on a flat table with my baby being swept into another room so that we both can "recover" the way they practice.

Although... I know that the Lord has a hand in the process. I know he has a specific way that he designed women to have his children that way nature intended it to be. But I also know that he has a hand in every person's life, and that path may be slightly different from the original. I know that he knows me, and I know that he knows my baby. He loves this baby and it is a miracle that he is entrusting me to raise her. This is his life to bring to the world, not mine. Therefore, I believe that if he has a specific will in mind for this child, I need to be willing to do it. God's will is always better than my own because he can see the end from the beginning. He knows which birth experience is necessary for this precious baby. I know that he will not deprive me of any of the gifts that motherhood provides--as long as I do it his way. I love Him. I pray to know and understand what he has in mind for me and this beautiful baby.

A Split Reality

So I find myself split between two very possible dreams. I have a brother who has the freedom and ability to branch out to different countries through work or internships. He is single and free to go where he wants, when he wants. I have a mother who raised her family in the same city for the last 18+ years. I grew up in the same house, living among some of my best friends my whole childhood, and attending the same Church ward since I was 6. I loved my childhood for her decision to be a stay-at-home mother and allow her family a stable and safe lifestyle.

Here is where I am split...

I am a dreamer. I am an adventurer. I like to explore and see exotic and new places. I see this world as a giant garden: so beautiful and full of life. I see this world as a huge maze: waiting to be explored. I am very grateful for the opportunity the Lord gave me to live and serve the people of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil for the year and half He did. He knew I wanted that experience and He knew I needed it. One the other hand, I am a soon-to-be mother of a child. I am married to the most wonderful, dedicated, and hard-working man on the planet. We live in a two-bedroom apartment where we love our neighbors and enjoy the wonderful friendships around us. We are currently saving up to purchase a home.

I love my life. I love being married and always having someone to talk, laugh, and enjoy life with. And I want to have children; I love children. I grew up in a family of 12 (10 children, 2 parents) and I love them all dearly. However, I find myself dreaming of far-off places often. I have a deep yearning to swim in the Great Barrier Reef, bungee jump off the highest bridge in New Zealand's gorges, or to climb the tempting Mount Kilimanjaro. Unfortunately, to fulfill one dream means the sacrifice of another.

In reality, I am not a millionaire; I am not a famous movie star or guitarist that can freely and easily travel across the nations to see and do what I want. I am but a simple American citizen, trying to live life with enough food on the table and plenty of down time to take a vacation a few times a year. For the record, I am not complaining about my current lifestyle. I love my life. I am simply expressing how my mind finds itself torn between what it thinks is two important dreams that my heart yearns to come true.